16 September 2010
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord…. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Ephesians 5:22, 25
Laura Doyle's marriage of four years was on the verge of collapse when she met a friend at a gym who had been to a seminar that had helped change her life. As they talked, Laura knew that if something didn't happen soon, her marriage was history. She read some self-help books which didn't really help. She was in therapy. She even prayed.
The issue was control. Two people were at war with each other and both wanted to be boss. Zig Ziglar says that even in a two-car parade, there is utter confusion until you decide who is going to lead the parade. That was the problem facing the Doyles. She wanted to control his life--where he went, what he wore, what he did and so forth.
This, of course, went over about like a ham sandwich in a synagogue. He didn't like it, but neither was he about ready to quit the marriage. What did happen is now the subject of her book entitled The Surrendered Wife. While the title suggests that she threw in the towel and became a doormat for the man she was married to, that didn't really happen. What she did, however, was allow him to provide leadership, understanding that she didn't really need to argue every point or tell him how to drive or where to park or what to wear.
When no major publisher was interested in what happened which changed her life, she self-published and began a new career of talking about the good things that resulted from a new understanding of her role as a wife.
Laura Doyle's problem isn't unique. Scores of women raised under the umbrella of feminism are afraid of losing equality in a marriage. They are afraid that if they don't stand their ground and argue every point (winning at least 50 percent of the time), they won't get a fair deal. Whether she realized it or not, what Laura Doyle finally did was to bring her marriage into harmony with what God said about marriage long ago.
It is often called submission, but frankly, even that word bothers me because our concept of submission today is to knuckle under, to be a doormat, to respond to the dictator in such a way that you lose your own identity and personhood--something which God never intended. Men, very often afraid of becoming wimps, simply withdraw. In some cases they proceed to the sofa and disappear or else literally walk out on a wife and family, not wanting more of the power struggle which has created open warfare.
Paul gave two powerful dictums about marriage: husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church and wives are to submit to his leadership while both of them submit (same word) to each other in love, being sensitive to the needs and circumstances of the other.
The issue is leadership, and though feminists may not like it, God says, "I want men to love and lead," and when we understand that the two go together, we put the other first in the kind of relationship that gives each what he or she wants in far greater measure than ever happens when you are fighting over who is in control.
Today we need to rediscover what God says about this important part of our lives. As a loving Father and Creator, God knew how harmony and happiness could be found in a marriage. It's not through warfare, it's through playing out the part He assigns in the drama of family living.
Long ago Amos asked the question, "Can two walk together except they be agreed?" (Amos 3:3), and the obvious answer, “No!" means that harmony comes either through surrender or through graceful, loving—yes—submission. It is still God's solution to an age-old problem.
Resource reading: Luke 9.