Bible Text: Daniel 6:26 | Speaker: Dr. Harold J. Sala | Series: Guidelines For Living |

For he is the living God and he endures forever; his kingdom will not be destroyed, his dominion will never end. Daniel 6:26

When someone has wronged you, is it enough to say, “I forgive you!” or is there more to this whole business? Says Philip Wagner, “The process of healing is not an instant ‘I forgive you’ and then you go on with your life. It may take months for you to find complete release; however, saying and meaning, “I forgive you!” starts the process. Real forgiveness if both an act and a process. The act is giving up your right to hurt another because someone hurt you; the process is the complete work of healing in your heart and your relationship which allows you the intimacy, trust, and friendship you once enjoyed.

Not sure that you really have forgiven someone? In his little book Healing a Broken Heart Wagner suggests that there are eight question you can ask yourself which help you know whether or not you meant those words, “I forgive you!”

Question #1: Are you willing to talk about the wrong that has taken place? Often the person who refuses to talk about the issue is only sealing off the offence in an inner cell of the heart, something akin to putting the memory in a dark vault where it can be resurrected or retrieved at will—something like a weapon for future use. Talking about something—not digging for more details but sharing thoughts and feelings—ventilates the wound. This includes praying together, letting God be party to your thoughts and feelings.

Question #2: Do you take responsibility for your part in what happened? Or are you a “no faulter,” the kind of person who always blames the other for what happened. Yes, there are times when the fault of wrongdoing rests very much on one side of the issue, yet the mark of a healthy person is the ability to recognize personal responsibility, no matter where it leads.

Question #3: Do you find yourself reacting to someone who reminds you of the person who offended you? Transferring your feelings towards an innocent person is evidence that you still bear resentment, perhaps even hatred, towards someone who has never really been forgiven.

Question #4: Can you honestly ask God to bless the person who wronged you? Remember Jesus told us that we are to pray for our enemies, including those who despitefully use us and persecute us. Your being able to do that is an evidence that your forgiveness is real and authentic.

Question #5: Do you believe forgiveness is essential in the Christian life? In other words, do you believe Jesus meant what He said when He told the disciples that if they did not forgive each other, God would not forgive them (see Matthew 6:14-15)?

Question #6: Are you waiting your time for revenge or repayment? There’s a difference. Revenge means you want to get even—an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth (which leaves you both blind and toothless). But repayment means you are waiting for some form of restitution—a gift, something which would be enough to let go of your pain.

Question #7: Do you have an investment in holding the past against that person? Actually that’s a form of blackmail. You lean on the person who hurt you for special favors, preying on his guilt, perhaps never saying anything, but subtly holding the wrongdoing over his or her head. Sometimes that emotional blackmail is blatant—not subtle, but in either case, if it’s there, you still need to forgive.

Question #8: Again, ask yourself, “Have I really forgiven?” That’s a question which only you can answer. But you do know, and so does God, and probably so does the person who would desperately like to be really forgiven.

Resource reading: Ephesians 4