Bible Text: John 1:47 | Speaker: Dr. Harold J. Sala | Series: Guidelines For Living |

When Jesus saw Nathanael approaching, he said of him, “Here is a true Israelite, in whom there is nothing false.” John 1:47

Why am I afraid to tell you who I really am, what I really think and feel? I’m afraid that you will reject me. Being accepted is very important, so I put on this front and try to make you think I am something which I wish I were but I’m not, really.

Can you relate to the scenario I have just related? If you are honest, you’ll probably say, “Yes, that’s what I’ve felt at times.” Almost everybody feels that way at some time or another, but when it comes to being vulnerable, more men than a few struggle with the issue, and their often clumsy attempts to hide their feelings are resented.

Few men understand that what women most want out of marriage, most men are afraid to really give. In one word it is intimacy. I’m not talking about the hushed whispers of a husband and wife in the privacy of their bedroom; I’m talking about opening the window shades of your heart and letting the person closest to you know what really lies within–all the dungeons and dragons of fear and incompetence that you think are there.

Men, contrary to what you think, she’ll love you all the more if you are willing to run the risk to let her know exactly how you feel.

A simple, practical definition of intimacy, which can be applied in relationship to God as well as each other, is breaking down the components of the English word, intimacy, as “into me see,” or allowing you to look within my heart and see precisely what is there.

Some, of course, have attempted to be vulnerable with someone else, and they have been betrayed. “Once burned, twice shy,” so we pull in the bridges and push others away, not wanting to run the risk of betrayed confidence. You are the loser, friend, when you do that. Far better to love and lose, than to fail to reach out in love and become a prisoner of your own fears.

What are the ingredients of this kind of intimacy?

Ingredient #1: Meaningful communication–the exchange of your thoughts and ideas in an open forum. This means that you men go well beyond the factual level of communication, to one that your wife describes as emotions and feelings. Your wife, sir, isn’t just interested in what you think about something. She also wants to know how you feel about it.

Ingredient #2: Vulnerability. You’ve got to overcome the risk attached to being yourself and nothing more. Strangely, this applies to your relationship with God who knows you and loves you as you are. When someone really loves another, that love extends to ideas and concepts which may be different. Accepting someone who is your mirror image, isn’t love at a very deep level.

Ingredient #3: Acceptance without censure. This means that love is unconditional. It has no strings attached. It isn’t bartered for something that you want. It means that you don’t push someone away when they don’t give you the instant-recall answers that you expected.

Ingredient #4: Complete honesty. I was asked why I said my wife was my best counselor over the years. In one sentence, I replied, “Because she balances love with complete honesty!”

Ingredient #5: Sensitivity. Can men learn from women in this regard? You bet they can. Intimacy demands that you pick up the non-verbal signals and give someone the freedom to elaborate.

Ingredient #6: Confidentiality. Almost nothing destroys trust more than betraying it. Some things should forever be kept in the drawer of your memory. And preserving them in such a manner becomes the glue that makes your past only the prelude to the future.

What I’ve described is well worth the time and the effort. Try it; you’ll like the dividends it brings.

Resource reading: Colossians 3