If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame. Proverbs 18:13 ESV
Nothing derails a heart-to-heart conversation faster than the words, “You know what you should do?”
What parent doesn’t want things to go well for their children? We want the same for everyone we love. We’re sure we know what would help—if only they would listen. A psychologist who specializes in parenting teens offers three phrases for when the urge to “help” strikes.[1] None begin with, “You should just do this.”
When someone shares a problem, “They don’t want advice. They don’t want guidance. They want empathy. That gets it done.” The Bible’s Proverbs teach that “wise correction is valuable to a listening ear” (Proverbs 25:12). The key words are “a listening ear.” Advice is helpful only when someone is ready to receive it.
That’s why the second phrase is a question: “Do you want my help, or do you just need to vent?” Asking gives the other person room to tell you what they need. Most of the time, they simply want to be heard. That’s why scripture counsels: “Be quick to listen, slow to speak” (James 1:19). “The most basic and powerful way to connect [with] another person is to listen. Just listen,” [2] says a renown medical educator.
If you can’t resist offering help, try this third phrase: “Is there anything I can do that won’t make this worse?” Even the best intentions don’t guarantee helpful results. The next time someone opens their heart to you, remember this: “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame” (Proverbs 18:13 ESV).
Slow down and resist reaching for a solution. Offer empathy, ask what they need, and listen.
[1] Lisa Damour, PhD, “Here Are Five Key Phrases to Keep on Hand If You Are Raising a Tween or Teen,” Facebook Reel, accessed July 28, 2026, https://www.facebook.com/reel/1657473338667988.
[2] Rachel Naomi Remen, “Dr Rachel Naomi Remen in Conversation with Miriam Hechtman,” interview by Miriam Hechtman, Shalom Collective, November 21, 2022, https://www.shalomcollective.com.au/our-journal/dr-rachel-naomi-remen.
