But with you there is forgiveness, that you may be feared. Psalm 130:4
Finding your way back home after an adulterous relationship is difficult, but it can be done. There’s a roadmap which guides you when you recognize what a dreadful thing has happened and you sincerely want forgiveness, restoration, and healing. The roadmap is found in Psalm 51, and David, the author, simply describes the components of restoration which he went through.
Analyzing this powerful roadmap to restoration, I see several guidelines, all of which are vitally necessary—ones which David practiced, and you can too.
Guideline #1: Assume full responsibility for wrongdoing. David did. “I have sinned,” he immediately confessed to Nathan the prophet. “My sin is ever before me,” he wrote in Psalm 51. Don’t bother blaming your DNA, the office worker, the person who seduced you, or your wife who was indifferent to your needs. The first step is to recognize that you went wrong and you are the one who needs to come back. Make it personal. David called it “my sin,” “my transgression,” “my iniquity.”
Guideline #2: Confess your failure for what it is, sin. That’s what David called it, and that’s why it is important not to use psychobabble calling it “a wrong choice,” a “misdeed,” or a “moral lapse.” The Bible says there is forgiveness for our sins, but it doesn’t include the euphemisms that allow us to wheedle out from under the yoke of accountability.
To whom do we confess? First, says, David, confession must be made to God because we first sin against Him. “Against thee and thee only have I sinned” he said. Whoa, just a minute! But what about your wife, your husband, your children? They too figure in the equation of forgiveness and they have to be included in genuine confession. The Bible says, “He who covers his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy” (Proverbs 28:13, NKJV).
Guideline #3: Break off the relationship completely and forever. There is no hope for healing or forgiveness as long as you dance with wrongdoing. Again, the Bible says, “If I regard iniquity [or sin] in my heart, the Lord [won’t] hear me” (Psalm 66:18).
Guideline #4: Guard against continued contact or exposure. If you have to change jobs, do it. If you have to move to a different neighborhood, start packing. If you value your marriage and your future, drastic steps may be necessary. Remember, turning your back on your commitment, “till death us do part,” was radical; so the measures necessary to find your way back may be too.
David’s failure was initiated by the fact he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Sometimes you can’t help being in the wrong place, but what you do—whether you hang around to see what might happen or turn and run—is your decision.
Guideline #5: Ask for forgiveness and healing. Ask both God and those who have been hurt, including the person you were intimate with. Will they forgive? It probably depends on your attitude.
Guideline #6: Forever guard your weakness. Call home if you must if you’re running late. Watch what you read, guard your heart, and make sure you are never alone with someone of the opposite sex in a situation where you can be compromised.
The way back is not easy, but it’s worthwhile. Affairs never make a marriage better, but they can point out your weakness—your human failure- and you can do something to rectify that, and in so doing, make your marriage stronger.
Resource reading: Proverbs 5:1-23.
