“Take for us the foxes, the little foxes, that spoil the vines: for our vines have tender grapes” (Song of Solomon 2:15).
“My husband won’t let me have a bank account, give me a credit card, have my own cell phone, or let me use his computer. I don’t know why.” If that conversation had taken place in a Muslim country where women were veiled and their activities were monitored, I might not have been surprised. But this was the wife of a businessman who has been an elected city official, is prominent in his city, and, frankly, a likeable father of three.
What gives? Does this wife have a track record of irresponsibility? Would she waste time on the cell phone, abuse the credit card? Or is his keeping her on a short string an attempt to control her?
The games we play in marriage, however, are not the equivalent of a board game where you put away the pieces at the end of the evening and forget who wins or loses.
Marriage is a partnership based upon mutual trust, and when the relationship breaks down, attempting to control the other by turning down the thumbscrews just doesn’t work.
No, to my knowledge this wife can be trusted. She, in reality, may be better at business than he is. Sometimes, as I suspect in the relationship of the couple I described, it’s a cultural thing. He’s doing basically what his father did in a different generation and country.
The problem is that when we marry, we bring our past with us—DNA, habits, thoughts, ideas, and concepts of how a man is to treat a woman and vice versa. But the question is this: Are we doomed by our past, or can we break out of our insecurities and cultural molds in forging new habit patterns?
When you are unhappy about a situation in your marriage, you have some options—ignore the situation and get more irritated crisis by crisis, flee the situation, or confront. Though we don’t like it, confrontation can be positive. Conflict never destroys a marriage; it’s our refusal to resolve conflict that eventually destroys us.
When you confront, you can choose the time, the manner, and the place! You don’t have to pounce on your spouse when you are annoyed or angry. First—pray about the situation. Then think about how you are going to phrase your conflict. Say, “When you do this, I feel like….” when you challenge the other. But saying, “What do you have on your computer you don’t want me to see?” is combative.
Then confront. Any doctor will tell you that when there is an infection, there will be no healing until the wound is drained, and how you deal with your pain as you go to the root problem will produce healing or greater damage.
Your goal is to resolve the conflict, not win an argument.
If you find yourself on the causal side of a problem, learn to back up, reconsider, and to change. You’re not giving in, you’re contributing to harmony and happiness in a relationship.
Ask yourself, “Is what my mate wants reasonable? Is there really a valid reason for saying ‘No’?'” And if your concern is legitimate, where is the common ground that satisfies her desire to have what seems only reasonable from her perspective?
Having a cell phone may well be a matter of safety. Agreeing that credit cards are going to be used only when you both agree or have the cash to pay the bill is a matter of mutual commitment.
Learning to live each for the other eliminates the selfishness which often leads to manipulation and control. Love is a commitment, a decision to care. Confronting lovingly will resolve conflicts that could wipe you out.
Resource reading: Song of Solomon 2:14,15
