Simply let your “Yes” be “Yes,” and your “No,” “No”; anything beyond this comes from the evil one. Matthew 5:37
Men and women just don’t communicate the same way, so contends sociologist Deborah Tannen, author of You Just Don’t Understand—Men and Women in Conversation. Ever since the days of Adam and Eve, however, women have been telling us men that we don’t talk the same language. Even scientists now have been telling us that there are differences in brain patterns between men and women. This affects our ability to communicate with each other. Again, no great surprise to women. One veteran of many unsuccessful bouts to get through to a non-communicative husband wrote, and with a stroke of resignation, said, “He has lazy speech muscles—that’s all!”
So, men and women don’t communicate, a book contends. What else is new? At least an old problem is pretty well documented. Tannen, the author of the book, taped hundreds of hours of conversations between males and females. Analyzing the substance of conversation, she learned that men and women, having grown up in different worlds, do tend to approach communication from an entirely different plane of reference.
For one thing, talking about things for women, validates the worth of a relationship or what they are discussing. For men, having to talk about it is a symptom of a problem. Men never fix anything that is not broken; women feel that a relationship that is worth anything is worth discussing. Tannen writes, “A lot of men feel that a woman’s insistence on talking things out is like a dog hanging on to a bone. But for women, talk is the glue that holds relationships together.”
Have you experienced difficulty in communicating with your mate or members of the opposite sex? Make note of the following guidelines that will help you better approach the situation.
Guideline #1: Remember men communicate from the plane of the physical; women from the emotional. Like the three layers or spheres which surround our earth, communication has three levels: 1) trivia (closest to where we are), 2) facts, usually relating to our lives physically, and 3) emotions which are subjective. Men reach the limits of their ability to communicate when they explore physical feelings, women just begin there and go from the physical to the emotional. The result: deepest communication for women results in intimacy, but for men, intimacy in communication becomes a threat to their masculinity. Their vulnerability makes them uneasy.
Guideline #2: Remember communication means something totally different to men than to women. When I ask men to rate themselves on a scale of 1 to 10 as a communicator, almost always men rate themselves 3 points above their wives’ or girlfriends’ rating.
Guideline #3: Every person has the need to communicate, so look for the level of communication which allows the most adequate expression. For men, it means opening up to vent emotions and feelings; for women, it means understanding your husband may really be trying when you read his efforts as insufficient or criticism.
Guideline #4: Realize communication can be learned no matter where or how you grew up. It’s a skill which can be acquired.
Guideline #5: Learn to pick up on the non-verbal signs. There are more than 700,000 ways to communicate non-verbally.
Guideline #6: Let your mate know your relationship is important and that you want to work on communication skills. It is very, very important.
There you have it. 6 guidelines that will help you communicate more effectively with the one you love because men and women just don’t talk the same language.
Resource reading: 1 Corinthians 13:1-13
