“… guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth” (Malachi 2:15).
Do you remember those words, “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until God by death shall separate us?” They are part of the Episcopal wedding ceremony—the one that you hear at traditional weddings. Are they well-meaning platitudes that are impossible to keep? Or is such commitment—even to death—a possibility even today?
Dr. Alexander Lowen, a medical doctor, says, “Virtually all such marriages begin with faith—which is to say that when a man and a woman entrust themselves to each other, they do so believing that neither would ever try to hurt the other, that each will contribute to the other’s happiness, and that together they will seek fulfillment. The first breaking of that faith, the basic infidelity, precedes any act of extra-marital intercourse. It happens when one partner decides to turn away from his mate in search of intimacy or fulfillment—and keeps the decision a secret. This is the true betrayal of trust.”
What’s your verdict? When does a person break faith with his mate? Does a husband break faith with his wife when he confides in his secretary over lunch and talks with her about intimate details of his life, details that he hesitates to share with his wife? Does a wife break faith with her husband when she acknowledges compliments from male admirers in such a way that she sends nonverbal messages that say, “I like the attention you are giving to me”?
Does a person break faith with a mate when he or she begins to withhold part of the truth, leading the other to believe what he or she knows is untrue? “White lies” is the expression we often use to justify bending the truth.
Infidelity starts when we begin to flirt with the idea that we are unnoticed or taken for granted. The second step is nourishing the fantasy or relationship that begins to develop with another person. It’s fed by deceit, covering your tracks, making phone calls which you would prefer your mate not know about, arranging your schedule so that you have casual contact with another person whose company you enjoy.
At first, it is not that another has taken the place that your mate has in your life. It’s that your ego has dislodged the priority that the other had in your heart. Love demands that your mate come first, but selfishness insists that your happiness and fulfillment come before commitment or loyalty.
The conflict produces what psychologists call “a double bind.” Trapped by deceit, you live one kind of a life but covertly nourish another, even if it is a fantasy life. When you begin to feel that you are taken for granted, it is easy to justify allowing your heart to stray. “He never notices what I do for him!” “If he would only tell me that he loves me!” “He’s the problem in our home.”
“O.K.,” you may be asking, “what do I do when we begin to break faith with each other?” #1: Recognize how deadly the whole issue is when you catch yourself beginning the process of rationalization or feeling sorry for yourself, taken for granted, neglected. #2: Address the issue by confronting your mate and expressing the feelings that are troubling you. #3: Begin to build on the positive. This may require help or counseling. It may mean you learn how to communicate or become willing to be vulnerable. You begin to recognize that your marriage has lost its sparkle and has reached a stalemate.
Breaking faith with each other begins in the mind, but ultimately it is played out in terms of broken relationships and broken hearts. Keeping faith is more than a discipline. It’s the key to keeping love vibrant and alive.
Resource reading: Matthew 19:1-6.
