“The servant asked him, ‘What if the woman is unwilling to come back with me to this land? Shall I then take your son back to the country you came from?'” (Genesis 24:5).
One of the first great shocks to young marrieds is that all of their expectations in marriage are not going to be realized. Before you marry, you fully expect your husband to ride the white horse, leap over buildings in a single bound, and walk on water—at least, most of the time. And guys expect their brides to cook like mother, look like a celebrity, and to purr like a kitten, at least when he’s around.
Reality quickly sets in, and when you stop looking at life through rose-colored glasses, your dreams begin to crumble. Your world quickly becomes black and white. “I should never have married him,” I’ve heard young wives say. And the flip side of that is the men who say, “I guess I really didn’t know her. She was always so agreeable before we married. She’d say, ‘Anything you want, honey!’ And now that we’re married, I’ve found out that she wants a lot of things which she wouldn’t tell me about before. Now she’s got an opinion about everything.”
So where do you go from this standoff? A lot of marriages take a downward spin from this point. Repressing your expectations leads to a lot of anger—the kind that first simmers, then eventually explodes.
“We were emotionally divorced but living in the same house,” was the way Debbie Johnson put it. She explained, “I got to the point in the marriage where I was miserable for so long that I just wanted to make him miserable. We had no feeling for each other. We didn’t have hope.” (Kathleen Kelleher, “Divorce Busters Can Help Rescue Struggling Relationships” Los Angeles Times, June 25, 2001, E-2).
So, what’s the answer? Give up your expectations? Voice your disappointment? Call it quits? When you don’t come to grips with the issue, your passion cools and your anger builds. A nursing journal asks the question, “Why do you hold onto an unrealistic expectation?” then answers it, saying, “It’s because you believe you have a ‘right’ to expect it.” (Brenda Lyon, “Conquering Chronic Anger,” Nursing Leadership, 2ND Quarter, 2000, p. 30). While I agree with what Brena Lyon wrote, I also see the flaw in relationship to unmet expectations in marriage. When you hold onto your “rights” you quickly see the “wrongs” in how you are treated, and at some point, you have to relinquish those rights, those angry feelings that you are not getting your due.
My wife, who has worked with women for four decades, believes that most women expect their husbands to meet needs in their lives which only a relationship with Jesus Christ can meet. In biblical days women met together to do their washing, their shopping, and shared in the preparation of food for a family. Today, however, we are isolated. Few younger women have relationships with older women who mentor, who encourage, and who can serve as sounding boards.
Are there guidelines which can help? In the last minute, ponder these:
Guideline #1: When your expectations are not met in marriage, strive to communicate your feelings without anger or hostility. Saying, “When you do this, here’s how I feel…” is less threatening than when you say, “YOU…”.
Guideline #2: Strive to be the person God would have you to be, ensuring that you are not pulling away from your mate with an “eye for an eye” attitude of retaliation.
Guideline #3: Let go of your expectation when it is clear that it is not going to be met, rather than grow angry and bitter. Debbie Johnson (the woman I quoted a few minutes ago) and her husband Mark didn’t give up on their marriage. They got involved in a program called, “Reconciling God’s Way,” and their marriage was saved. That’s what redemption is about.
Resource reading: Genesis 24.
