You Can’t Change Others—But God Can Change You

Letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace. Romans 8:6

A famous psychologist once pointed out, “It takes two people to make a cycle. It takes one person to break it.”[1]

Rameez grew up enduring his father’s anger, silently taking angry verbal onslaughts whenever his dad got upset. As an adult, it felt impossible to break free from the belief that every mistake made him a failure. Then one day, Rameez read this Bible verse: “… letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace” (Romans 8:6).

He realized something profound: calling himself an “idiot” for small mistakes wasn’t from God—it was a pattern he’d absorbed from his father. Rameez made a decision: he wanted thoughts that led to life and peace. He also learned that scripture teaches us to “guard [our hearts] above all else, for they determine the course of [our lives]” (Proverbs 4:23). Rameez could guard his heart from his father’s sinful anger.

The next time Rameez’s father began yelling at him, Rameez did something brave. Instead of hanging his head and enduring 20 minutes of name-calling, he calmly and firmly responded: “Dad, I know you’re upset, but I’m not going to let you tear me down. If you have wisdom to share, I’m willing to listen. But I won’t stay and be berated.”

Breaking that cycle wasn’t easy. Two years later, his relationship with his father has changed. His dad still struggles with anger, but now he knows that if he lashes out, Rameez walks away. His dad chooses his words more carefully. And Rameez? He’s learned to stop tearing himself down, receiving God’s love and acceptance.

What relationship comes to mind for you? Where is God calling you to disrupt a cycle of pain by changing your actions or responses?

[1] Noah, Trevor, host. “Love on a Timeline.” What Now?, featuring Esther Perel, 21 Nov. 2024, [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/what-now-with-trevor-noah/id1710609544?i=1000677726427].