“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32).
An annulment or a divorce doesn’t necessarily make you happy. That smug feeling that you got even for what your mate did to you quickly subsides. Then come waves of loneliness, pain, and—yes, face it—hardship. Then a small voice within begins to whisper, “Maybe this wasn’t the right thing to do after all.”
A study of more than 5000 married adults—actually one of the first of its kind—shows decisively that splitting up doesn’t make unhappy people happy! Popular wisdom has been that if you are not happily married, then don’t stay married. The assumption is that someone else can perhaps make you happier. “Divorce didn’t reduce symptoms of depression, raise self-esteem or increase a sense of mastery compared with those who stayed married,” so says the report (Karen Peterson, USA Today, July 11, 2002, 4D).
Those who were unhappy, who stayed in a marriage and turned it around did so by pursuing three paths: (1) persistence—simply riding out the rough waters, (2) working on their marriages, and (3) making personal choices, one of which is that happiness is a choice.
I am convinced that the vast percentage of those who call it quits and give up, do so too soon, not thinking of the consequences of calling it quits. The mere fact that a person doesn’t give up is positive. It’s a change of attitude that affects your behavior. You assume that the person to whom you are married is going to be there, so you pull in your horns, resheath your claws, and hold your tongue.
When you face situations that have created unhappiness, follow these six guidelines: I’ll give them to you in the next two minutes.
Guideline #1: Cool off. Take a deep breath and get control of yourself and your emotions. Most of the time words spoken in haste are foolish. We seldom really mean what we say in anger or irritation, and when you back off from your crisis, you begin to think more logically.
Guideline #2: Pray about your problem. “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything” (Philippians 4:6). That’s Paul’s advice to the Philippians. Praying about situations helps us to see ourselves in the reflection of our sins and shortcomings. It reminds us that if we don’t forgive our enemies, neither will God forgive us.
Guideline #3: Confront the issue—the problem, not the person causing your unhappiness. Any problem can be resolved, provided two people are willing to address it. You can choose the time, the manner, and the place of confrontation, which incidentally Jesus commanded (see Matthew 18:15).
Guideline #4: Compromise. There are no winners in broken homes and marriages. “My husband was Mr. Right before we married,” said one woman, wistfully adding, “but after we were married, he was Mr. Always Right.”
Guideline #5: Forgive. It’s a fact—when you refuse to forgive, you burn the bridge you eventually will have to cross yourself. Why? Sooner or later, you, too, will have to ask for forgiveness. “Well, I’ll forgive you this time, but if you ever do it again, we’re through!” No, that’s not forgiveness, it’s probation. Don’t bury the hatchet with the handle sticking out of the ground for quick retrieval. Give up your right to hurt that person because he or she hurt you!
Guideline #6: Forget the incident that caused your unhappiness. Refuse to catalog and remember those harsh words, those scenes you need to put behind you. God forgives, so must you.
You are about as happy as you decide to be. It’s your choice.
Resource reading: Ephesians 4:29-32.
