If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 1 Corinthians 13:1
Men and women have always had difficulty communicating. Now, we know why, at least to a small degree. It is a proven fact that women listen with both sides of their brains, men primarily with one side. But what we’ve known for ages is still true: though it may be a challenge, it can be done. I am convinced that communication is the key to any relationship, whether it is your marriage, getting along with your neighbor, or succeeding in your business.
The following are guidelines that will help you find an interested listener when you need to express something.
Guideline #1: Choose the right time. A pastor friend of mine tells how a deacon would often confront him just as he was ready to walk out on the platform for the service and say, “Pastor, I don’t care what they’re saying about you, I still love you.” Wrong time. When the one you need to communicate with is tired, busy, or under stress, that’s not the right time. Women tend to want to communicate late in the day when men are physically weary; so, pick your time.
Guidelines #2: Choose the right place. Arguing in front of your children is wrong, period! – no matter how good it makes you feel to get something off your chest. Kids get caught in the crossfire and become wounded emotionally. They don’t want to side with mommy or daddy; they love you both. Relaxing at the end of a day over a cup of coffee is a far better time to talk about the in-laws’ visit than when your husband just walks through the door, having been away on a business trip.
Guideline #3: Choose the right words. This means, think how you would respond if you heard what you’re going to say. Some words are inflammatory, guaranteed to produce an argument. Other words are conciliatory. “I” statements rather than “you” statements are less pointed. Describing your feelings is better than attacking the person.
Guideline #4: Choose the right attitude. And how do you do this? Pray about your concern. Think through the implications. How important is it, really, for you to win every round? Think through the importance of what you want and the cost you’re willing to pay to get it. Some issues are just not important enough to be issues, so ask yourself, “How important will this be in a year? How will I feel about this next month? Even next week?”
One study on communication between husbands and wives indicated that when husbands didn’t listen, no wife really liked it, but when she knew that her husband really loved her, the marriage still survived—yes battered, sometimes less than perfect, but when a husband didn’t listen and the wife was convinced she wasn’t loved, that marriage was a candidate for failure.
Guideline #5: Choose the right volume. A lot of folks mistakenly think that turning up the volume in the rhetoric makes them more effective. No, it merely inflates your blood pressure—not good for either party. When I travel internationally, I often encounter people who don’t understand what another person is saying, so they simply ask the question or say the same thing, getting louder and louder with each unsuccessful attempt. It doesn’t work in a foreign country or a marriage either.
Effective communication doesn’t consist of saying things but having things heard; so when you say something, don’t just assume the other person has heard or understood what you’ve said. Sometimes saying it again, another way, gets through the fog, and sometimes saying, “OK, let’s go back and talk over what we’ve decided,” is sufficient to help you understand that what you said is not what the other person heard. Got it? Good. Now we’re communicating.
Resource reading: 1 Corinthians 13:1
