Prove by the way you live that you have repented of your sins and turned to God. Matthew 3:8

 

Every time Jerry hit his wife, he was sorry afterward.

When Jerry exploded in anger, he’d quickly apologize, promising never to do it again. He’d cry over his loss of temper and show disbelief and self-hatred that he’d been able to hurt someone he “loved” as much as his wife. He rationalized that his wife had made him angry, saying, “We can both do better.” And then Jerry would tell her that she had to forgive him.

If you’ve ever experienced forgiveness weaponized like this, you know that it doesn’t result in the healing God intended it to. There is no shortcut for actual repentance and proven change.

Entitled perpetrators demand that you forgive and restore them before they’ve done the hard work of repentance. After harm has been done, the burden is on the perpetrator to slowly prove change. It’s up to them to make right the wrongs done, accepting changes in access and intimacy that reflect the consequences of their actions.

Throwing around the word forgiveness should never substitute for the ownership required for relationships to be healed. The Bible says, “Prove by the way you live that you have repented of your sins and turned to God” (Matthew 3:8). Yes, there is hope for all, the Bible shows us, but not without fundamental change. It says, “People who conceal their sins will not prosper, but if they confess and turn from them, they will receive mercy” (Proverbs 28:13).

God’s mercy can’t do restorative work in the life of someone who hasn’t turned away from sin. If someone’s apologies are common and cheap, without the fruit of real change, that person shouldn’t be given a place of trust in your life.